Universal Soldier: The Return

The really crummy summer films are saved for last, when the season comes to a close and kids go back to school. That’s the time when it’s safe to release the newest Jean-Claude Van Damme action flick. Last year it was the forgettable Knock Off; this year it’s the equally forgettable Universal Soldier: The Return.

The original Universal Soldier from 1992 matched Van Damme against Dolph Lundgren as rival military androids reconstructed from the bodies of dead soldiers. Van Damme, whose wooden acting style reminds some of a muscle-bound version of Howdy Doody, has a loyal cadre of fans who enjoy his "work."

Those fans will get their full with this sequel. Van Damme reprises his role as Luc Deveraux, who is now a former Unisol (Universal Soldier). Deveraux works as a consultant at the defense lab to develop the newest model of Universal Soldier.

Defense cutbacks threaten the program. SETH (voice of Michael Jai White), a supercomputer, goes bonkers and turns loose an army of androids. All sorts of shooting and loud explosions follow at the military base. The low budget special effects are cheesy.

SETH personifies into a super warrior. Both he and Romeo (professional wrestler Bill Goldberg) chase after Deveraux, who recruits an obnoxious TV reporter (Heidi Schanz) as an ally. One chase sequence takes them to a Dallas topless bar, which earns the film its R rating. I’m still scratching my head as to why that scene was in there.

There’s one good segment repeated twice in case the double digit I.Q. audience missed it the first time. When Deveraux backs a truck over chrome-domed Romeo, seemingly enough to stop a rhino, the indestructible android yells, "I hate that guy!" But that’s the only highlight of this gratuitously violent film.