Lost & Found

There should be a Surgeon General’s warning label on the ticket stub of every movie featuring a former "Saturday Night Live" regular: "Prolonged exposure can provoke mild irritation." David Spade is one of those "SNL" regulars whose limited talent is exposed for all the world to see in Lost & Found.

Spade plays Dylan Ramsey, a L.A. restaurateur in absentia. The first 15 minutes of the movie take place at the restaurant. We are introduced to Dylan, the dimwitted kitchen staff, and his plans to expand the business. So far, so good.

For reasons unknown, the rest of the film shifts to Dylan’s attempt to court Lila Dubois (Sophie Marceau), a French cello player who lives in his apartment complex. Ms. Marceau is better known as the queen who turned Mel Gibson’s head in Braveheart. Picture this: a perfect "10" matched with a blonde-haired, whiny twerp with a chip on his shoulder. It isn’t a pretty picture.

To make up for his physical and emotional shortcomings, Dylan conspires to kidnap Jack, Lila’s Cairn Terrier. In a total ripoff from the plot of There’s Something About Mary, the dog serves as a foil for cheap laughs. Jack eats a wedding ring, leading to gross out scenes involving flatulence, doggie doo and vomit.

The concocted finale features Spade doing a Neil Diamond concert impersonation worthy of an act from "The Gong Show." Needless to say, he would have been gonged by Jaye P. Morgan in ten seconds flat.

If my review doesn’t scare you away, then wait until you get a load of the end credits. In another ripoff from the aforementioned There’s Something About Mary, the cast lip syncs the words to a song with outtakes. Pathetic.

As part of a New Year’s resolution, I’ve got to write something nice about this garbage. How’s this? Jack is a scream.